Here's a funny story. Definitely worth the five minutes it'll take to read.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: 
         
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??          
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.                 
AWESOME!!!       

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.         

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?   

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.            

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. 
 
I decided to  give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!........ #@(*&^%<? ... . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. 
                                      
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative.                                         
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
> cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!                               
             
P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!                  

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! 

Why do people constantly try to push you and test to see just how far they can go before you crack and freak out on them? I don't understand human logic. Maybe we are just crazy. That must be it.

I learned today that everyone has their own little harbored monster, it's just a matter of time before someone ticks you off enough to get you to let it out. And once it's let out it's rather hard to control. Kind of scary if you think about it. People not having control over themselves. Black-out rage. If I could give children one word of advice: if someone gets that mad, back off. It's honestly not worth it.

On a better note, I'm going swimming tonight. I'm so excited! Should be fun. And My Love has an interview this afternoon so hopefully that goes well, not that I doubt it will. Should be interesting, when he has money. I think he really wants to spoil me. Ugh, stuff. It's the thought that counts. As long as you think of it you don't actually have to do it. We shall see. 

As usual people are creating their own drama. I think people truly thrive off of making everyone's lives miserable and complicated. I'm so glad I don't hang out with people that do that. So thank you, all my friends, for not being so absorbed with drama. 

I got tickets to see Def Leppard! I'm so excited!! Should be an amazing concert. I hope. Def Leppard, Cheap Trick, and Man Raze. You have no idea how giddy I got when I found out they were coming. I literally squealed.

  Being tired is one thing. Being sick and tired is another thing entirely. Home sick yesterday and today. Feel terrible about leaving the people at work hanging, so sorry about that. The only good thing about being sick is it is good relaxing time. Something I don't get often enough apparently. Headache is bad enough that I can't look at one thing for too long but am able to focus for a short period of time. This gave me some catch-up time with all the blogs and articles and podcasts and books I watch. But that's about the only good thing that's come of this. 

 

If you are interested in sci-fi or fantasy I definitely recommend downloading the newest episode of Escape Pod called "Ode to Katan Amano". Amazing story by Caitlin R. Kiernan narrated by Kim The Comic Book Goddess. 

 

I've been thinking way too much lately. I'm reading Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder. An amazing book. But it really makes you think too hard. To the point where you will be in the middle of something and suddenly you click back into reality and realize half an hour went by and you were too busy thinking and coming up with theories that you didn't know any time went by at all. It's probably dangerous. But I definitely recommend the book. 

 

Another very good short story here.

 

Also a funny and true story about "The Automated Online Role-Player". Many thanks to patchworkkid 

Needless to say things have been overly busy lately. The only day I have any time for anything un-obligated is Wednesday evenings, which has been declared as date night. Oddly enough. But lots of fun plans set aside for those Wednesday nights. Shall be interesting. 

 

Thank you to outside influences I have become slightly obsessed with Jack Johnson and Phil Ochs. Hm. No other comment there. 

 

Finally started watching Angel Season 3 on Friday. Wow, it is intense. I am on episode seven and find it really annoying that I can’t watch more than one episode without a break in between unless I don’t mind if my head explodes. 

 

Must admit that last night was an odd night. I find when I spend so much time alone in my room with no real light and too much time to think I seem to get myself very down. Luckily my snow-ball throwing dream last night brightened up my day today, so other than the fact that my sight keep going dark around the edges my day is very bright on the inside. Thank you dream goddess. 

 

A new addiction to free-ebooks.net seems to have caught me unawares. I was on it downloading for probably 45 minutes yesterday. Needless to say I was very happy by the end of the rampage. A ton of good material and easy to download, no viruses. Definitely recommend checking it out if you are a fellow book lover.

 

Ballroom dance competition coming up in about a month. Surprisingly I am not nervous. I’ll be dancing pro-am so there isn’t much to worry about. Luckily for me I get to practice with my partner more than just once a week so I am pretty sure everything will go smoothly. 

 

Otherwise not really any new news. Will be writing lots as I have so many ideas all of a sudden. Should be interesting.

This is the last night to go to sleep and wake up again with no obligation of "OH NO I DIDN'T GET MY HOMEWORK DONE!" before it all starts again. ...Great...

I found out just a few days ago that I'm supposed to read The Catcher in the Rye before school...so I've been motoring through that. The first few pages were like, "Hmm...this could be an interesting style. Shouldn't be too dry." Now that I'm actually into the book I'm realizing that it's not all that interesting. The style gets dry quickly and you start to wonder why you're reading about some losers life. Sorry, fictional life. I'm wondering why on earth my awesome English teacher decided to make us read this. We'll see how it turns out. 

On my own time I'm reading a book titled "Serial Killers". Can you guess what it's about? Well, you're probably right. Yeah, it's all about Serial Killers and the history, how their minds work, why they are the way they are. This is all in general of course. I still find it creepy that I'm so interested in them, specifically. Not crime, but Serial Killers. Something went wrong at birth with me I think, to make me so odd. Who knows.

Since tomorrow is the last day of summer I decided to get up at 6:30 to get a ride to see My Love. Talk about dedication. He better bloody well appreciate it. =)

Today I woke up and had the oddest feeling of needing to do something so as not to be depressed and moody-broody about going back to you know where. So I cleaned the basement. Not an easy feat, ask anyone. Ever seen a warehouse after a tornado? That's my basement. That covered in cat feces. It was wonderful. But surprisingly it only took me three hours to get it back to live-able and breathe-able. It now looks and smells wonderful, and there is no lack of oxygen. It's a beautiful thing. But since that only took three hours I had the rest of the day so sit and do nothing, so I watched Dexter. I now only have three episodes left of Season Three. Then comes Season Four. How exciting!! That and I read Catcher in the Rye a bit. Tough book to sit down and read, I must say. 

But since I'm getting up so early I'm off to bed. 

Oh, on a side note that I just thought of, I was rather disapointed because there was a Da Vinci and Van Gogh exhibit on in town all summer and I thought I missed it, but it turns out it goes until mid September, so this is exciting. 

But yes, off to bed. Have a good one!

 Managed 1,059 words in the novel already today. Still haven't thought of a good name. Maybe "Fear Nation". Rather simple though..

I've been doing a lot of simple existing lately. Just being. I went on a bike ride yesterday. Fell asleep in a field. Got up, moved to a different field. Better, more enclosed. Surrounded by trees with the sun right in the middle of the sky. Green. It was wonderful. Stayed there for a while. 

Today my love and I had an adventure. He had a dentists appointment so I went with him. We did some hanging out and some random shopping and ended up coming back with great times. 

Tonight is dance. Tomorrow is getting school ID and Schedule. Hm. Should be interesting. Going back and seeing everyone again. Not really looking forward to another year in high school. Definitely might end up doing home schooling or something. We'll see. It might be better this year. Although I highly doubt the drama level will decrease. Nothing has really changed. Just time. 


Ah well. Will write more later. Need to attend to the sick-o beside me. =)

Sorry this took so long to post. As I said before I had to edit it. "Him" is my boyfriend, incase you were wondering.
 

Day 1

8:42 am Friday August 7, 2009

 

I wish I would keep as detailed an account of real life that I do of the trips, holidays, and vacations that I go on. I fear I’ll regret it later, considering my horrible memory and all.

 

Anyhow, we wake up this morning and there is a fog as thick as the car doors. It comes and goes with time, but it is always bright. Somehow… I only just left him yesterday and I already miss him. I hate how that works. Love it too though. Without missing him it wouldn’t be as special when I see him.

 

I’m not looking forward to the long, endless days of bickering with Mother while trying to have a good time. Long hours in the car…here we go. 

 

Luckily though, we already got timmy’s so life is better already . 

 

I’ll be sure to take many pictures to account to other people. Without pictures it seems that I can’t remember after a while anyhow, so they’ll be useful for telling the story to more than just other people. And he’ll enjoy it. I need to bring him to Jasper, he’s never been. He would really like it. I wish I could just fix everything for him, but sadly it doesn’t always work that way. One day I will make everything better, but that day is coming too slowly. Slow and Painful…

 

10:00 am

 

It’s like being a cat. I’m like a house cat. Just existing, not having much point, only getting attention when I demand it. This house is nuts. 

 

We just stopped at a little run down gas station, Niton Junction, and as we get back into the car dad goes “Laura didn’t notice this because she was too busy enjoying being Laura, but those guys in the truck next to us were staring at her the whole time. I was like ‘Uh, Father here!?’” I go, “Huh? Which guys? What?” I guess he was right. I enjoy being me too much…I don’t notice creeps. As we were getting ourselves organized to go again (specifically Mom, ooh surprising) the one guy got out of the truck and started walking towards us. Moms like “Uh, okay, let’s go! Now!” as she swats at my dad to get his attention. That was really funny…she’s so paranoid. That was kinda creepy though. 

 

What is with the random foot-wear on the side of the road. Like someone literally blew a shoe – right out the window!

 

I’ve decided that Him and I have to bike to Jasper one day. And bring a really good, nice camera to take awesome pictures with. There are so many great picture opportunities but by the time I see them we are past them. I hate that about this era, everything moves so fast there isn’t a chance to see the world, to stop and smell the flowers. 

 

Apparently in Jasper by the Hot Springs there is a cavern and we are possibly going to go there today. It supposedly has a bunch of waterfalls and trails and babbling brooks and caves. I think it will be one of my new favorite places. 

 

I’ve decided that I quite enjoy the Rolling Stones. They have amazing road trip music. 

 

5:12 pm

 

So it was an awesome afternoon at Maligne Lake. Right up until we were on our way to Jasper and I got a phone call from His Mom. He biffed real bad at the bmx track and possibly broke his collarbone and dislocated his shoulder. She told me he couldn’t talk because of the pain and that they were already on their way to the hospital. He managed to get her to tell me he loves me. The poor guy. I hate it when shit like this happens and I can’t be there to help it. I even offered to pay my parents back for the hotel. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I should be there making sure he’s ok and that he knows I care. F*&^ Why does this always have to happen when I’m not there. He always needs me when I’m not there. Funny enough, earlier today I got him a Native American ‘Good Medicine’ charms bag. I got one for him and one for myself so that we could be connected, and I would be able to protect him even in the smallest of ways. And now it’s too late and I can’t protect him. I should be able to hop in my car and go back, go run to him and comfort him the best I can, but I’m an idiot and can’t drive. And don’t have a car even if I could. Jesus. Hindsight is a great thing.

 

8:27 pm

 

Just got off the phone with Him. Wow. He is in so much pain, I wish I could be there for him! I need to be. He snapped his collar bone right in half, and dislocated his shoulder. He may need surgery if it doesn’t heal right. He’s going home though, he’s all strapped up for 8 weeks, so he’ll need to learn how to use his left hand. Or I can help him with most things. I will wait on him hand and foot until he is better, I make this a promise and a guarantee.  I need to see him. I’ll see him on Monday though. I feel sick to my stomach with guilt that I should be there. Argh. 

 

I’m off to bed for now though. I’m expecting a call in the middle of the night. I almost hope they do. We’ll be up early to go on the gondola. I hope these next few days go by fast so I can get to him. 

 

Monday August 10, 2009

 

5:07 pm

 

Well, I’m home now. Didn’t get much chance to write over the weekend. Was too busy and when I wasn’t busy I was playing WoW to talk to Him. Huh…now I’m sitting beside him and he’s still playing…funny how that works. 

 

Anyway, on Saturday we went on the Gondola/Tram thingy. Dad and I climbed to the top. The view was gorgeous. Absolutely spectacular. The power and energy that flows from the mountains is just insane, and the view was so magical it made it seem like it was in a movie, like the Sound of Music or something. I took so many pictures. The climb up was somewhat challenging (entirely from the lack of air, of course) but it was worth it. Quite a few very steep spots too. 

 

We came down by noon and decided to go find a place to sit and read. We went to these two beautiful lakes, Pyramid and Princess. Sadly though I didn’t have cell service and in order to know that He was ok I needed it so Mom freaked and we left and found a place in Jasper to sit and read. I actually fell asleep on the picnic table…sitting. Not sure how it worked but I really needed it.  Then we went back and sat in the hotel room doing whatever (me playing WoW, sadly). 

 

Sunday we went to the Columbia Icefields. It was amazing. I just couldn’t help thinking about all the stuff trapped in the ice and how old it would be. After all the ice is there from the Ice Age so there could be some very interesting things emerging as it melts. Some weird diseases too probably. It’s melted over a mile and a half since 1844 (I think that’s the right year..). That is crazy, and probably not a very good thing. The buses are HUGE though, and when you’re watching them go up they’re just this tiny speck of blackness up on the glacier. That’s what makes you realize just how big they are. It was really cold too. I don’t think I was warm once this weekend, except for in the hot tub.

 

So after the Icefields we stopped at two different falls on our way back. One being the Athabasca falls, and I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the other one.  They were both gorgeous though, and again so powerful. They just take you away, and the sound makes the rest of reality dissipate. 

 

After that we stopped at Lake Anette. Beautiful lake, took pictures there too. There was this family, a Mom and her two kids who live in Jasper that were there. The kids were adorable. The Mom was originally from Czech Republic so she was teaching her kids how to speak both Czech and English. I wish I had that opportunity…

 

Then we went back to the hotel and sat in the hot tub for a few hours. Of course Mom didn’t last more than 5 minutes, but Dad and I had a lot of good conversations. 

 

Today we left by 10:30 and got home at about 2:15pm. There was a lot of construction. I’m now sitting at His house trying to look after him but WoW is in the way…again. Stupid thing. 

 

Anyhow, that was the extent of our trip. We didn’t make it through one day without fighting. It was a lot of fun at times, and really pretty and very interesting, but I think it’s probably the last family trip I go on. 

 

If you ever go to Jasper, make sure you go up the Gondola. Best view ever.

 Nothing special here. Weather is finally warm enough to not wear a sweater. I think it's about time they turned up the heat. However it is supposed to get cooler again soon. Fall is on it's way, leaving little room for summer. Happy though because I actually got to ride my bike to work today and not be freezing or wet. 

Working a split shift today. Should be fun. I'm in between, needing to leave soon to go back. Should be a good evening though. Hopefully not too boring. Working at a library has it's ups and downs. Usually not too bad, but sometimes there really is nothing at all to do. 

Just finished Dexter Season 1. Must say that it is an amazingly well done show. Definitely recommend it for anyone interesting in dark comedy and/or criminal psychology. Extremely well done. Will be intent on getting my hands on Season 2 ASAP. 

Well, I must go finish eating and head to work. I do have a journal from the Jasper trip the other weekend I will be putting up here tonight. Haven't gotten around to editing it yet, so I will work on that. Just need to make sure those who wish to not be named indeed shall not. 

Also looking forward to writing more in my novel. I'm too terribly good at procrastinating. I almost need someone standing over my shoulder making sure I'm doing it. Hah, that'll be the day. 

What do we make of life if we can't make it pure? All our thoughts are not our own, so nothing is pure. There is always an influence and a group decision. Is there even any point in being an individual anymore? Well, of course. Why? Because humans are funny that way. We are always looking for a point and trying is what makes up for not actually accomplishing. Since we create our own realities in the collective unconscious, it is really just shifting the reality for the way every else sees it. We are all marvelous actors. Some are just better on stage than others. 

Anyway, off these incredibly depressing thoughts, speaking of shifting realities and such I have to admit that I made a decision. A decision that everyone makes at some point in their lives, some earlier than others. I'm not ashamed or regretful of this decision in any way. However, my parents are. Specifically my father. So while reading a wonderful persons journal today, I stumbled upon this quote from Dexter Season 2. I'm watching season 1 right now so I haven't gotten here yet, but I figured it was brilliant and well worth a second quote here.

"My father might not approve, but I'm no longer his disciple. I'm a master now, an idea transcended into life. And so this is my new path, which is a lot like the old one, only mine. To stay on that path I need to work harder, explore new rituals, evolve. Am I evil? Am I good? I'm done asking those questions. I don't have the answers. Does anyone?"

 Well, my love is out camping for a week. I guess it's kind of good because now I can actually focus on my writing. But at the same time, all inspiration has left me. *sigh* Ah well. I've been focusing writing more melodramatic material focused on loneliness. Thats what happens when your love leaves. It's now scientifically proven. I quote:

"Scientific American Mind -  February 9, 2009

In a study published last fall, researchers showed that male prairie voles that had been separated from their female partners for four days—a much shorter amount of separation time than researchers had previously found to affect the voles’ physiology—exhibited depressionlike behavior and had increased levels of corticosterone, the rodent equivalent of the human stress hormone cortisol. Males that had been separated from their male siblings did not display any of these symptoms, implying the response was tied specific ally to mate separation, not just social isolation. When the animals received a drug that blocked cortico sterone re lease, they no longer exhibited depres sionlike behavior following partner sep aration, confirming that stress hor mones were at the root of the response.

In many ways, separation appears to resemble drug withdrawal. Studies have shown that in monogamous animals, cohabiting and mating increase levels of oxytocin and vasopressin—hormones that foster emotional attachments—and activate brain areas associated with reward. As a result, when prairie voles are separated from their partners even for a short time, they experience with drawal-like symptoms, says Larry Young, a behavioral neuroscientist at Emory University’s Yerkes National Primate Research Center and co-author of the study. “In the short term, I think [this mechanism] creates an aversive state so that the animals want to seek out their partner to hold that bond together,” Young says.

In a recent study of human couples, social psychologist Lisa Diamond of the University of Utah observed minor withdrawal-like symptoms, such as irritability and sleep disturbances, along with an increase in cortisol in subjects after they were separated four to seven days. Participants who repor ted high anxiety about their relation ships had the biggest spikes in cortisol levels, but even those who reported low levels of stress and anxiety during the separation exhibited some degree of increased cortisol and physical discomfort. These results, like those from Young’s study, indicate a specific link between separation and increased cortisol, implying cortisol-blocking drugs may benefit people struggling to cope with partner separation, too.

Researchers believe the pair bond evolved from the parent-child bond, which may ex plain why we feel romantic attachments so strongly. The same neurochemicals—oxy tocin, vasopressin and dopamine—have been implicated in both relationships, and the be havioral patterns associated with parental and romantic bond formation and sepa ration are also similar. “We think about parent-child relationships and adult ro man tic relationships as being funda mentally different,” Diamond explains, “but it really boils down to the same functional purpose: creating a psycho logical drive to be near the other person, to want to take care of them, and being resistant to being separated from them.”

Future studies about romantic attachment will focus on using the findings from research such as Young’s and Diamond’s to develop new treatments for grief associated with partner separation or loss and for disorders that involve social deficits, such as schizophrenia and autism."

So there. When you say it hurts to be away from each other, it's true.

Anyhow, another thing I've been up to is trying to teach myself piano. I took lessons when I was a kid for a few years, did some competitions, but I don't have much memory left from my childhood, imagine that. So I'm re-teaching myself. It seems to be working. Ish. But I love the way the piano sounds, it's just so ...soulful... I guess is the word for it. If you picture that place in your head where you wish you could be, the place that doesn't really exist (or you're really lucky and it does) that just makes you all exasperated and completely happy. Your very own go-to place. Well that is what happens when I play the piano, or at least hear it played well. One day I'll get better at it. And maybe grow some proper voice chords. Start my own little fiesta. With a piano. Huh. Wonder how that will work out...

Another up of being lonely is you get a lot of personal stuff done. For instance, since thursday I've read about 50 books. Sick, I know. I have WAY too much time on my hands. I'd have to say I am deeply sorry for anyone who has that much time on there hands: I know how you feel. 

Something else I'd like to work on is drawing. Always something I've loved, being the art fanatic that I am. But always something that I've struggled with. I go through spurts in time where I can draw (imagine that!) but most often it just doesn't work. I wonder what changes?

Well, I'm currently working on two novels. Neither of which I would feel like sharing at this point. They're both rather awful. BUT, the ideas were good, I think. The first one is about a newfound insect that a young couple stumbled upon. It turns out that this bug releases a poisonous gas that fries peoples brains and makes them do very interesting things, rather like a stink bug but deadly. With the few sane people left on the planet, they are trying to figure out what chemical they release so they can stop it. Kind of suspense/sci-fi stuff. Good idea? No?

The second one is a young-adult fantasy about a girl who stows away to Ireland on a ship and meets the fairy prince and la-di-da they go on adventures. Rather fluffy. Not sure about that one. Been working on it for a few years. We'll see. I go in and out of wanting to do it and not. So we'll see if I ever get it off the ground or not. 

Ah well. I'm off to read another book. I've been trying to find a song that really gives purpose to a relationship. Not just some fluffy love song but a really good, meaningful song. I have an idea floating around but I need the song to make it really fly. So if you have any ideas please feel free to let me know. I don't care what genre of music it is either, as long as it has purpose. Thank you!

Can't wait for time to pass, quicker.